Please be gentle with yourself. "
Do you know what that is? a "matt melt down"?
Its a yoga term. Its that moment when you start to loose it..on your yoga mat. But its not a negative thing. Its an awakening of sorts. Ive only had a couple, but this past Sunday it was amazing! I was near the end of practice, in "child pose" when it hit me. And it doesn't creep up slowly ..it hits in an instance. Anyone whos experienced them will understand the power. It was in that moment the I became aware that "I love myself"
I know , you're thinking, "how corny" right..like a SNL skit! But when a person endures so many difficult times in one life, its a euphoric feeling!
Its taken me 19 months to get to that place.
At the time I was diagnosed (for the second time) I was also in probably the worst emotional and mental place Ive been in my entire life. I was miserable in my short marriage. I was with my husband for 9 years, married for 3 and a half.
I have never in my life loved any other person this way. And honestly, I will probably never again. To keep it short, My husband was an alcoholic. So along with that came lies, countless nights of not coming home, ignoring my texts and calls. An affair, which in my mind was what broke me. I tired to come back, but I just couldn't.
I had left the fall before and returned only to be hurt even worse.
All I know is that after major surgery, having had my large intestine removed and 30 lymph nodes, I was worn thin. I was physically, mentally and emotionally broken.
It was a Sunday afternoon. My husband was once again trying to make plans to get out and drink. As well secretly texting a woman. I was only one week post op. I just couldn't take one more day. Chemo was starting soon and It was time to be real..and put me First!
I walked up to him and said, " I cant fight this cancer with you here."
It took a while, but he finally left. That was probably the most confident I had felt in years, regarding where I needed to be.
It was also the most devastating thing Ive ever been through.
I suppose the whirlwind that cancer is distracted me for a while. But it did eventually hit me..and hard.
So when I say "I love me", its been a journey let me tell you.
I always say, if I didn't have cancer I would never have had the strength to leave my husband. It was the best decision.
For a year leading up to my diagnosis, I didnt feel and signs. But hind sight is 20/20.
I was crying all the time, full of anxiety, anger, betrayal mega stress and sadness. I went to my doc complaining of lack of energy, sleeping all the time, and stomach pains when I was crying and stressed.
I was sure it was an ulcer. But 6 months later I couldn't make it to work one day.
A colonoscopy revealed an orange size tumor. The tumor was using a lot of my blood making my hemoglobin go to about 67 which explained the lack of energy. I was scheduled for surgery 2 weeks later.
I had 3 round of chemo. The first round of drugs had me in the hospital with a reaction affecting my heart muscle that can also cause heart attacks. The second round, and new cocktail of drugs had me loose sensation of swallowing but it was minor. the 3rd round sent me into anaphylactic shock.
It was the next visit at the oncologist where I was told there was nothing else they could do for me. I had 3 different cocktails all of which i was allergic too. The last round took me near 3 months to recover from.
I asked about alternative treatments and was shot down. I was devastated. At that time I felt so at their mercy. But it was also the time I decided to do everything I could to take control of my life.
So I started reading, and researching. I went to the library and googled the hell out of natural healing for cancer . I was careful to research sites as well for credibility.
I followed the Gerson Theory, which had me juicing for a few months. I gave up all types of sugar. This is a BIG one. Cancer cells have insulin receptors on them so you dont want them getting any sugar!! I stopped eating anything white, like flour, potatoes and pasta..which all turns to sugar. I will say that since i was in my 20's my diet has for the most part been healthy, but this was at an all new level!
I started taking pure Frankincense oil throughout the day on a daily basis. i started eating apricot pits. It is actually B17 a vitamin that can attack cancer. It is called Laetrile. There are many studies on it. The list goes on and on and i am still eating that way today.
Once you have cancer, it is always there. So its my job now to starve it! To do that you need the following.
NO stress in your life, proper anti cancer nutrition, proper sleep and exercise. To feed my body the best nutrition and stop any possible new growth of cancer. This is my mission.: to fight the good fight, and help others on my way.
I'm a 48 year old mother of 3 amazing boys. 27, 23 and 12 . I have discovered many passions, one of which is photography. All photos on my site are my own and hopefully they give you a glimpse of me and what makes me love life! I'm Living with Cancer... and loving everyday!
Please be gentle with yourself. "